Mrs. Happy recalls a recent time when, for about four weeks, she had very little interest in being intimate with her spouse via sex--and even when she did have sex, it wasn’t anywhere near as good as usual.
Mrs. Happy noticed something while raising a son: He experienced the world by touch. He had to set his little paw on everything, causing the occasional mini-disaster in the home and supermarket. (Ah, yes, the giant shattered pickle bottle at Tom Thumb grocery.) And when Mrs. Happy was attempting to discipline her son, she discovered that, for him to “hear” her, she often had to grab his shirt, his shoulders, or the tip of an ear to aid this supposed involuntary function.
I am the first lady and my husband is the pastor of the church we attend. We have been married for 15 years. Recently, my mind pushed me to do something that I normally would not do. Because of the reckless spending habits of my husband over the years, I secretly opened a savings account in my name that he is unaware of. We still operate the joint account together, but I am scared of waking up one morning with nothing to fall back on. Is my action wise or foolish?
One thing Mrs. Happy discovered during a bit of research is that Bible-believing Christians disagree sharply on this subject. Why so much disagreement? Because the Bible never mentions masturbation, not even once. Any argument on either side must be built on general Scriptural principles; the Word of God declines to say “do” or “don’t.”
Quite a few wives find themselves with diminished or completely absent sexual desire, especially after the initial thrill of marriage has worn off. Often by this time, sex has become a disappointing experience, and the wife feels like something is wrong with her because she doesn’t enjoy sex as much as her husband seems to.
God created sex; He pronounced it good; it is for the benefit of both the man and the woman; and it is righteous and holy and intended for joy. It is one of God's most wonderful gifts to us. It can be one of the most thoroughly enjoyable aspects of marriage. “Let’s start over with sex.”
There. I gave you a way to start the conversation.
Good sex has three elements:
It is a good thing to open a dialogue about sex with your spouse if things aren’t right. But once you initiate the conversation, you must continue with it and not lose hope. Yes, you may suffer blows and hear some things you don’t want to hear, but when you open up the site of a deep wound, the festering substances begin to seep out.
All of a sudden, my husband wants me to step out of my comfort zone in bed and please him orally. That is out of bounds for me morally and spiritually. Is my refusal to please him this way a sign of being non-submissive?
Mrs. Happy had a tough time learning to respect her husband, especially when it came to curbing her naturally nimble (um, sharp) tongue. She felt a “need” to point out his flaws and register her annoyance (check this out: Proverbs 12:16) and undoubtedly hindered her husband’s growth as a leader, businessman, and friend.
Mrs. Happy has known women in ministry who began with a soft heart toward God but heard so much of the sins of men through counseling that they started to develop a hard heart toward men generally. Mind you, these women in ministry sincerely cared about the ladies they were counseling, but somewhere along the line all of these sad tales caused them to take sides and become judges of the situations presented to them. When they became judges in their hearts, they eventually began to speak against men as a group. The Holy Spirit promptly withdrew from their counsel.
Millennials want nothing more (and nothing less) than relationship from older believers. They know they’re troubled in their marriages and friendships, and they’re looking to spiritually mature believers to point and model The Way.
No husband or wife, however, is required to submit to sex acts that he or she considers degrading, and it is a distinctly unloving act to push one’s spouse to do this. You will have to discuss boundary lines with your spouse, reassuring him that you want to have sex with him, but in a way that isn’t a total turnoff to you. Suggest an alternative—and show you’re serious by initiating it.
Don’t harangue him, demanding answers. Yes, I know that lack of communication is part of the problem here. But Mrs. Happy has noticed that the men in her life have a strange capacity for not seeing the elephant in the room, even when it’s snorting, grunting, and squashing their left big toe.
Any time my wife and I quarrel, she has a habit of discussing our business with her family and friends. Her version of what happened is always told in her favor. Her friends and family think I am such a villain. What will it take for my wife to stop airing our dirty laundry in public?
Do not allow yourself to voice a negative attitude about men—and especially your husband. You could end up begin speaking curses on him without even realizing it, and you will reap the harvest of your words (Proverbs 18:21).
I’m reminded of the Apostle Paul’s words to the Corinthian church: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” The Corinthian church shone its light amidst a cesspool of sexual perversion and provocation. “Sacred” prostitutes worked the pagan temples of Corinth; homosexuality was widespread; adultery was taken for granted. Paul knew the young believers in Corinth would encounter many sexual temptations because of the environment they were in, so he encouraged them to find an outlet for their God-given sexual desires within the bounds of marriage.
The vast majority of couples go into marriage completely clueless about good sex. Sure, they might have something they call “experience,” usually from hurried couplings in illicit relationships. Sorry to be so blunt, but I have listened to these girlfriends, and while they might be attracted to you, the sex itself is not attractive.
Not much, if you’re trying to live a chaste life. Our brains don’t need much of an excuse to think about sex, especially when we’re not having any. So any detailed conversation about sex with your fiancé can easily lead to arousal. In fact, if he is alive and breathing and pumping red blood cells, the conversation is leading to arousal. Might as well just admit it.
If you are not married but you're in a serious relationship that is headed toward marriage, where do you draw the line on physical contact? Do only what you would do in front of your father. If you can’t relate to that because of a broken or unhealthy relationship with your natural father, substitute spiritual father. If you wouldn’t do it in the presence of your pastor, don’t do it.
“Mmmmm…” That is the sound of Mrs. Happy yawning on a Saturday morning. After a week of hard work and general sleep deprivation, she looks forward to sleeping in a few minutes. Oh, and visiting Mr. Happy. Or Mr. Happy visiting her. However it goes. And everyone is happy in the end, if you know what I mean.
Mrs. Happy is asked this question often. She is amazed, in fact, by how regularly it’s posed by believers. Then she noticed on a recent cross-country road trip the proliferation of “adult toy” stores set in tidy buildings at seemingly random places along the interstate. (Well, not exactly random. They are in remote places, no doubt ducking municipal zoning laws. See? Even the heathens know better than to invite it in their town.) And then she remembered all of the ridiculous “lingerie” and “marital enhancement” parties that have invaded Middle America. Sex toys are everywhere; someone in China, no doubt, is making a fortune off of it. (And mocking us all the while.)
Mrs. Happy’s heart goes out to single believers who are struggling mightily with sexual desire. She hasn’t forgotten what it was like to be single and sexually frustrated with no (righteous) relief in sight. So it is with dismay that she sees how many young Christian men are unwilling to make a marriage commitment—yet find themselves unable to live a sexually pure life. There is an obvious answer to their predicament: Get married. Yes, it is absolutely legitimate for a believing man to marry a believing woman with sex being one of the primary motivating factors.
God’s ways are so much higher than our ways:
“But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first” (Matthew 19:30).
“The greatest among you will be your servant” (Matthew 23:11).
“Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it” (Luke 17:33).