By Mrs. Happy

Mrs. Happy sheepishly admits that she watched a few R-rated movies in the past, though she will no longer watch films of any rating that have significant sexual content.

Anywaaaay…back in the day, Mr. and Mrs. Happy would be watching a movie together, and there would be the inevitable sex scene. Mrs. Happy would watch incredulously as a man and woman flailed away in simulated sex.

“That doesn’t work!” she’d exclaim to Mr. Happy. And sure enough, the depictions of sex she saw onscreen were almost guaranteed not to be satisfying to the woman. The position wasn’t right, the angle was off, the speed wasn’t gonna get her there…well. It is no surprise to Mrs. Happy that the vast majority of film directors are men. And clearly, like much of the rest of humanity, they don’t know what they’re doing when it comes to sex.

Mr. and Mrs. Happy entered into marriage utterly clueless, so they can relate. But they didn’t stay that way. They experimented, practiced, and listened to each other. They even prayed. Slowly but surely, they developed skills. Sex became easy most of the time.

But Mrs. Happy has observed that many couples remain clueless, because they never went through that period of active and cooperative learning. And she knows why, in most cases: They participated in sexual immorality before they got married.

Is it really surprising that sexual relationships forged in back seats and in secrecy--hurried couplings in dorm rooms and on couches and who knows where else—do not lead to satisfying sex in marriage? What they do, however, is build bad sexual habits, because undue haste and a lack of communication are the enemies of satisfaction in sex.

So, if your sexual relationship with your spouse isn’t what you hoped it would be, admit it—you’re clueless. There’s no shame in that. Men and women are really different, and they have to undertake to learn how to please each other. Even at Mr. and Mrs. Happy’s advanced ages, they are still learning a few new things.

So say it together with me: I.am.clueless.

But because of the wonderful grace of God--say it with me now, church—I don’t have to stay that way.

Turn to your neighbor and say, I.am.clueless.

Amen.

The 11 Most Common Sex Mistakes, in Semi-Random Order:

1. Having intercourse before the woman is fully aroused.

There couldn’t be a bigger mistake concerning technique, yet this happens all the time. It’s obvious when a man is fully aroused and ready for intercourse; it isn’t so obvious for a woman. Take careful note, however: Your wife is not ready for intercourse before that point and will find it difficult if not impossible to reach climax before the man ejaculates.

Mrs. Happy has occasionally observed the forlorn jar of Vaseline on a couple’s nightstand, and she knows what it likely means: The couple is in the habit of having intercourse before the woman’s body is ready, and therefore they must use a lubricant for penetration.

Helpful hint: If the woman is fully aroused, she most likely won’t need a lubricant, and if she does, she will probably need only a tiny amount.

Certain physiological changes take place in a woman’s body when she is fully aroused, meaning she is on the verge of climax and simply needs to be pushed over the edge by her husband in whatever way she finds most pleasing. Her vagina elongates, allowing room for the man so intercourse isn’t painful. Also, she produces her body’s own lubrication, which is way, way better than anything you can buy from a shelf.

Much of the time, foreplay is necessary before a woman is ready for intercourse. Brothers, use your hands or any other part of your body to stimulate her—or allow her to stimulate herself. Or both. Be gentle—you’re stronger than you think, and every woman enjoys being touched in a certain unique way you’ll just have to figure out, with her help—and if necessary, bring her to climax before intercourse so she can learn the signs that her body is ready for penetration. (She’ll be fine with intercourse afterward, trust me.)

The good thing is, the more often she reaches climax during sex, the easier it gets for her, because she anticipates a happy ending. And when she anticipates a happy ending, her body can become aroused with relatively little foreplay, opening up new possibilities.

2. Rushing right to intercourse.

Do you start a good meal with dessert? See above.

Using gobs of lubricant and immediately initiating intercourse—what Mrs. Happy calls a “cold start”—hardly ever works for the woman. Sure, she might get aroused eventually, but usually within moments the man has finished, leaving her frustrated and unsatisfied.

3. Starting with the missionary position and persisting in it even when it doesn’t work for your wife.

Snap quiz: Do you know anyone who didn’t have intercourse in the missionary position the first time when they got married? (And probably in many frustrating attempts afterward.)

Yeah. That’s what I thought. Married couples work this position to death, even though it is probably the toughest position for a man in terms of delaying ejaculation until his wife has reached climax.

Brothers, brothers…if it isn’t working for your wife, try something else, OK? Does Aaron Rodgers throw the ball to the same place every time on first down? Dude, you’re gonna have to learn your wife’s playbook. (And no quarterback sneaks, Mr. Smarty-pants.) And, chances are, she doesn’t even know it herself, so you’re gonna have to learn together. (Which, by the way, is awesome.)

This being a family newspaper, and Mrs. Happy being the model of decorum, decency, propriety and all, we cannot go much deeper into the various alternative positions that produce happy results for all parties much more easily and consistently. So you’ll have to use your imagination for now, at least until Mrs. Happy’s book comes out. And just so ya know, Mrs. Happy believes there are only three or four positions that actually work, with slight variations thereof, unless you are an acrobat, gymnast, or contortionist (none of which describes Mrs. Happy).

So Mrs. Happy’s playbook is actually quite brief. But, y’know, it works. Everybody ends up happy, which, by the way, is how Mrs. Happy got her name.

If the missionary position isn’t working for you, give it up till you master bringing your wife to climax by some other means (that doesn’t involve pornography; see below).

Remember ol’ Marty Schottenheimer, head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs? Why did that guy win buckets of games in the regular season but rarely advance in the playoffs? Because he always did the same thing—run, run, pass—and this sort of simplistic strategy didn’t work on the dynamic, shape-shifting teams that made the playoffs and were destined to advance. Yet he wouldn’t change his approach, even in the face of serial playoff failures.

So, the moral is, don’t play Martyball. Make your wife Mrs. Happy today.

My prayers are with you.

4. Faking orgasms.

Among the 10,056 reasons why pornography is horrendous and awful and has no place whatsoever in a Christian marriage is the fact that it portrays women responding in ridiculously unrealistic ways to climax. In many years of marriage and consistently good-to-great sex, Mrs. Happy has never felt compelled to carry on like a screaming, writhing fool. Yet she has thoroughly enjoyed herself.

Brothers, real orgasms don’t look like that. And if that’s what you’re getting, you’re either in a sinful relationship with a girlfriend who’s totally faking it, or your wife has learned to bluff it in a misguided attempt to protect your ego.

Sisters, cut.it.out. You will consign yourself to an unsatisfying sexual relationship if you keep it up, and you can blame yourself. You will end up reinforcing bad sexual habits, and your husband will be none the wiser.

If you’re a serial faker, confess to your husband—but be prayerful and kind. It can be a blow to his pride initially, but a decent man cares enough about you to want to please you. Here’s another motivation to ‘fess up: Faking orgasms is a form of lying.

Sow deception, reap deception.

A hint for the brothers: There are real physiological changes in a woman’s body when she’s experiencing orgasm that can’t be faked. You will be able to see and feel them.

5. Thinking that because it worked with some other woman in the past, it’ll work for your wife.

It doesn't take much for a man to ejaculate. But for a woman to have an orgasm during sex, a lot more has to be working right. A man has to learn how to please his wife. I don't care how "experienced" he is--that knowledge isn't automatic. Every woman is different. He needs her feedback to get it right. He'll never learn to please her without feedback.

6. Thinking you can’t talk to your husband or wife about what works and what doesn’t work.

Your husband won’t know how to please you if you don’t:

1. Experiment with different kinds of touch to see what works for you.

2. Give him gentle feedback on what feels good and what doesn’t.

I’m sorry, but there’s just no other way around it. You’re gonna have to communicate if you want to have a satisfying sex life. Good sex doesn’t happen automatically.

Yes, it all comes back to relationship. You’re in this thing for life, so you might as well man or woman up and begin the open conversation.

7. Thinking sex is dirty because you’ve sinned in the past.

Satan hates your guts. He’ll seek to twist and distort everything God has made good. He can't take our soul once we’re in Christ, so instead he steals our joy and fills our mind with thoughts of fear and torment. He especially loves to parade our mistakes before us in a sickening, never-ending lowlight reel, hoping to persuade us that our past will forever hinder us.

If you committed sexual sin and you’ve sincerely repented, God has put away your sin. The enemy remembers, however, and his agenda is to keep you in bondage for the rest of your life so you’re unfruitful in the Kingdom of God. He wants you to think your past has disqualified you from ever enjoying sex, and he wants to keep your marriage at the level of being merely tolerable, at best.

When you feel those feelings of loss, of shame, of regret, recognize the source. Hint: It isn’t God. That’s not the way your heavenly Father communicates with you.

Remember God's truths and revisit and speak them instead: I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God made me for intimacy and sexual pleasure. His will is to bless my marriage. He wants me to enjoy sex with my spouse, because He created sex. I can ask Him to renew my sex life, in spite of my past disobedience. He cares about every detail of my life.

8. Believing that pornography and sex toys will put a spark in your sex life.

You might have a spark for a few seconds, but it will trigger a wildfire. Demonic spirits are attached to pornography. When they get their hooks in you, what started as curiosity can turn into compulsion. Don’t be a fool and kick the door wide open to satan in your marriage through pornography. You will reap destruction.

Neither pornography nor sex toys have a godly source. They are manufactured and marketed in an atmosphere of perversion. God gave you all the tools you need to please your husband or wife—you’ve just got to learn to use them skillfully.

Don’t be a lazy lover. Take the time to learn how to please your spouse.

9. Thinking you know what you’re doing.

Repeat after me: I.am.clueless. Then, see above. See below. See past columns.

Mrs. Happy recalls an incident some years ago in which a young brother and sister got married. Mrs. Happy gave the brother a good Christian book on sex that dealt with technique, among other subjects, and the brother sneered and said, “What’s there to know?”

Fast-forward a few months later. The wife of said husband takes Mrs. Happy aside after church, and says, with embarrassment, that she doesn’t know what to do concerning sex, because, to put it bluntly, her husband is too fast and he don’t last.

Sadly, Mrs. Happy did not possess the boldness she has now, and she was unable to help the young woman.

So say it with me, brothers and sisters: I.am.clueless.

10. Thinking that if the man reaches climax too early, sex is over.

No, no, no. Every man messes up the timing some of the time. That doesn’t mean sex is over. God gave you strong hands. Use them to please your wife.

By the way, brothers, it’s very uncomfortable for a woman to get oh-so-close to climax but not quite—just like it is for you, though the physiology is different.

11. What’s that TV doing in your bedroom?

Get rid of the stupid thing and spend your time in more fulfilling pursuits.

Mrs. Happy has been married to one man for a long time. She loves to read your comments online at www.mannexpressonline.com, and might even weigh in on your earnest questions. Just keep it holy, y’all. And be happy until next time.