By May Olusola
Dr. Tai Ikomi sums her life experience as: “Some things are beyond the realm of our understanding to capture. I have seen signs of my reason for still being alive. One of which is the message of forgiveness based on my latest book, Effective Forgiveness, which I now preach all over the world. Some have said that if I could forgive the man who killed my husband and three children, they could forgive the person who hurt them so badly... but not to the point of death!”
There is no doubt that life was going well for the Ikomi family. It is the love of the Lord and their faith in Jesus that kept the family united and happy. The family was blessed with a good father, Mr. Johnny Ikomi, who was an exemplar of Christian values; a loving mother, Tai, a firm believer in Christ and plans to enter Law school; an adorable eight year old son, Temple, an avid reader, who loved Christ dearly; and two year old joyful twins, Tosan and Ejima the only daughter in the family. They enjoyed the blessed life that they had together until tragedy struck them on April 1, 1986, and eventually, shattered their family forever.
On that unfortunate day, the family travelled from Fayetteville, Arkansas to the University of Arkansas where Johnny had applied to do his graduate studies. It was also one day before their oldest son Temple turned eight years old. As they approached a construction site on Highway 29 in Platte city, Missouri, the unexpected happened. An illegally drunk driver, whose speedometer clocked at 86 miles per hour in a low speed zone, hit their vehicle from behind.
The impact caused the vehicle to go into the air. In her own words, Ikomi describes her ordeal: “According to eye witnesses’
accounts, we were thrown into the air. Although, I did not realize what had happened, the noise of the impact sent an unending echo to my ears. Two unknown men approached me and instructed me to get out. I realized I needed to get out and found myself outside the car with many people around.
I tried to observe my environment and to my horror, I saw the rear of our car in flames. Immediately, I recollected that we were travelling and my family was still inside the car and I had to save them. But all my efforts to open the door of the car were unsuccessful. Suddenly, I heard the cry of my daughter in the car and I tried again to open the door, but it was jammed. About five minutes later, I no longer heard the cry of my daughter; I knew she had choked due to the smoke. People were trying to get fire extinguishers to put off the fire but there was nothing anybody could do.
The horror that unfolded certainly became a wife and mother’s worst nightmare.
After the fatal incident occurred, that was only the beginning of the pain. She had to learn how to deal with it each and every day thereafter. The day of her family’s funeral was another exceptionally difficult day. Her twin sister visiting from Nigeria urged her to worship the Lord and sing Him praises. At first she thought the idea of this, on such a day, was ludicrous. How could she possibly praise the Lord on the day she was going to bury her family? But she finally agreed. Instead of seeing a day of sadness and grief she was transformed to seeing a day of joy, realizing that her husband and her children delighted in the presence of God.
As she ran her fingers across her families names carefully etched into the coffin where their bodies laid to rest she couldn’t help but to reminisce. Thank God her husband had been a believer, giving his life to Jesus Christ. Thank God that he had chosen to live for Him. She knew without a doubt that he was now a permanent resident in heaven.
She thought of the day when she and her husband had led their son to Christ at the young age of 4 ½ and praised God for that moment as well. She cherished the memory of her young son burying himself in the Word of God, knowing that he too had eternal salvation. She rejoiced in the thought of her two-year old twins saying the name of Jesus as she taught them about His love. “Little did I realize how close they were to seeing the Lord face-to-face,” she later said.
She remembered those two men that freed her before the car burst into flames and tried to search for them to no avail. Through every investigation that took place after the accident, there was no record of the existence of these men and it finally occurred to her that these were angels sent to spare her in the tragedy.
When people asked Ikomi how she has been able to recover from such a tragic experience she answered: “You never fully recover. The pain never really goes away but through the grace of God you find a way to move forward day by day, bringing glory to
him.” It is a deep tunnel of pain, of loneliness, sadness, but through it all the grace of God held me together.” She also gives bible meditation a great deal of credit in helping her get through such a tragedy. Relying solely on the Word of God when she could rely on nothing else gave her the hope and courage to face another day. She recounts the details of her strength during this time in her bestseller book Beauty For My Ashes. Mrs. Evelyn (Oral) Roberts wrote in the foreword of the book: “Anyone who has gone through a tragedy and is having a struggle because of it should read this book.”
Another significant event which she had to face was the ultimate battle of forgiving the man whose actions had caused this devastation in her life. She acknowledges that this was not easy. There was a great deal of anger in her heart but she also knew that she desperately needed to be able to forgive in order to move forward. While she was faithful in making this effort, God in turn, was faithful in helping her find forgiveness in her heart. She sums her arrival at genuinely forgiving the drunk driver when she asks: “Is there room in my heart to forgive the man who killed my family in their prime? Does he deserve my love, my sympathy, or even my consideration? Are there some criteria he must meet before I bestow my forgiveness on him?”She continues describing her deliverance as: “I knew within, that I must forgive. As difficult a decision as it was, I reasoned that it must have been an accident. He did not mean to hurt my family. It just happened, perhaps by mistake. After all, to err is human. After two or three days of grappling with this issue, I resolved to forgive him. This decision was based on a general view of the Bible that we are to forgive. I thought the issue had been laid to rest.
Watch the trailer of the movie enactment of the accident here:
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A few days later, I read in the Lincoln Star daily newspaper of Lincoln, Nebraska, that the young man’s blood alcohol level had exceeded the legal limit. I became furious. This was no longer an accident. It was blatant murder, I reasoned. My decision to forgive was shaken. Drinking and driving; how could he be drinking and driving? I had seen so many warnings on TV about driving under the influence of alcohol. The warning apparently was not heeded. He apparently could have cared less. The dangers of drinking and driving meant nothing to him.
Anger welled up inside me. Their deaths could have been avoided. My family could have been alive but for him. His drinking problem had deprived me of my family. His drinking problem had obliterated all the dreams Johnny and I had about our future.
I therefore realized I must forgive this man, I knew I had no choice. I could not offend God nor jeopardize my walk with Him. If I got out of fellowship with Him, to whom would I go to for solace? Who would remove my pain? No one else was qualified to comfort me in my dark hours. No one else could remove the pain of my broken heart. I must turn to God, as only He could heal me emotionally. No one else could fill the emptiness within or calm my terrible turmoil. Only God’s assurance could bring me true peace. Only His touch could reach into the hard-to-reach recesses of my heart. And He indeed did a good job — far beyond my wildest expectations.
I experienced God’s promise of peace in a world of tribulation. The Bible became alive to me. I found my resting place in God’s Word I did not understand why the accident happened. I still do not. But one thing I do know, God is my Father and whatever may befall me, I am safe in the hollow of His hands. I can count on Him to heal my wounded emotions. He did not fail me.
Forgiving James (the man who took my family from me), was a small price to pay compared with keeping a sound relationship with my God and for the healing I was receiving from His hands.
The wound grew deeper still, perhaps, because the young man did not make any attempt to write to me and tell me that he was sorry. I was not sure if he was repentant for what he did. But on the other hand, I was not sure I really wanted to hear his voice, even if it came with apology. What would it do for me? Would it bring back the dead? Would it remove the pain and the emptiness? It might further infuriate me. In a way, I took shelter in the hope that it might be better if he did not contact me at all. I did not want further pain. I was too fragile emotionally to open up myself to any possibility of pain.
It was not until ten months later that the Lord used my therapist, Beverly Jones, to bring out this unforgiveness in my heart. During counseling, Beverly probed me about my reaction to this man, the one who took my family from me. I tried to convince her that I had truly forgiven him, but she noticed the hollowness of my confession to forgiveness. She asked me probing questions that I answered as truthfully as I could. She noticed that I was apathetic toward him. I did not care about him. I did not care if he was alive or dead. I felt that to think of him was to waste my thoughts. But Beverly is a good counselor. She pointed out that my apathy denoted lack of forgiveness.
At first I argued. I remembered how I had resolved to forgive him two years earlier. I tried to make Beverly see that I had truly forgiven. But she convinced me, by repeating the very words that came out of my mouth, that I was deceiving myself.
Suddenly, as if scales fell from my eyes, I realized that I had been burying the ill feelings; I had not released him. Beverly told me to come to her apartment, where she would counsel me free of charge. Both of us were in the seminary at Oral Roberts University, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and (USA). She was majoring in counseling, while I was majoring in theology. She took me through a process to forgive him. She asked me to release him and let him go. I later learned that the English word “forgive” translated from the Greek, means to let go or release. She told me to follow it up with confession.
And so I began to confess aloud, “James, you are forgiven. I forgive you, in Jesus’ name. I forgive you for killing my husband Johnny, I forgive you for killing my first son, Temple, I forgive you for killing my second son Tosan. I forgive you for killing my only daughter, I forgive you. I release you and I let you go.”
Today, Ikomi has authored more than 30 books. Most of them are aimed at helping others that have gone through similar experiences. To this day, she continues to get emotional each and every time she receives a letter and reads the account of how her testimony or book has helped someone else get through their own grief. She knows that these are just a few of the reasons that she was kept here on Earth and that her work is not yet done.
Ikomi could have allowed the grief of that devastating moment define her life. Instead, she has chosen to allow God to define her life. She continually reaches out to others offering them peace, hope, and understanding, priceless gifts to a broken heart. She openly tells of her story, one of pain and sadness, and how through God’s divine love and power she has overcome such tragedy. Despite the tragedy that could have brought a crippling devastation to one’s life this has become a story of courage, hope, and the ultimate forgiveness. A story that despite all odds continues to bring glory to God. She so gracefully remembers her family, “They [have] gone to the other world, beyond my touch, beyond my sight, beyond my reach, but not beyond my love. They will certainly never be forgotten.”
When asked to give some words to those who are grieving right now, Ikomi declares “my prayer is that God will comfort them. Only He can reach the recesses of the heart to pour His healing balm and to Him they must turn. It is okay to cry. it could be healing. It is okay to surround themselves with positive people who would encourage them but not to be too dependent on them. After a while people tend to withdraw and that is why they must look up to God. He is the only constant in life. The Bible should be read constantly to absorb the emotional pain. They also need to know that God understands their pain and their future. They should trust God with their future.”
Dr. Tai Ikomi is open to sharing her testimony and forgiveness message in your church or organization. She can be reached by telephone at (718) 652-7157 and email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Her books “Effective forgiveness” and “His beauty for ashes” along with her other books are available for purchase.
May Olusola is the Publisher of MannaEXPRESS.
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