By Mrs. Happy
How much should you talk about sex with your fiancé?
Not much, if you’re trying to live a chaste life. Our brains don’t need much of an excuse to think about sex, especially when we’re not having any. So any detailed conversation about sex with your fiancé can easily lead to arousal. In fact, if he is alive and breathing and pumping red blood cells, the conversation is leading to arousal. Might as well just admit it.
There is no need before marriage to discuss specific sexual practices, techniques, likes and dislikes (since many of us already have these because of an ungodly past), first and last experiences, and so on. You’re asking for trouble if you talk about these things. You will have buckets of time to do laboratory research and discuss your findings after you’re married.
Should you talk about sex at all? Yes, a little. Mrs. Happy confesses that she has this urge, in fact, to fling open the door in every couple’s premarital counseling session and smack this paper down on the coffee table, along with two pens and a notary stamp for handy signing:
“We, the undersigned engaged man and woman, do hereby acknowledge the following statements in the presence of God, our pastor, and each other:
“I do not know anything about making love to my wife.
“I do not know anything about making love to my husband.
“In summary: We don’t know nothin’.
“Whatever we have experienced sexually up to this point does not apply to our mate. It might have worked on someone else [though your girlfriend was fakin’ it, Mrs. Happy quickly interjects], but it won’t work on you. We are starting over with sex.
“I will go into this marriage with a desire to please you. I will honor you by learning sexual skills through practice, practice, practice that are unique to your desires.
“I will set aside my ego and talk to you (and not my buddies) about any challenges we encounter. I will also pray, knowing that our marriage is lived out before God.
“If I discover that I am in need of healing and/or deliverance because of past hurts or sin strongholds, I will seek this earnestly and responsibly.
“I will respect your sex drive, and if I am going into this marriage knowing that I am not physically or emotionally capable of having sex with you regularly, I will make that clear now. Then we will consider our options together.
“I will not push you to engage in sexual practices that violate your conscience. At the same time, I respectfully ask you, my beloved, to try a few new things every now and then. Y’know, in the interest of continuing adult education and all.
“At all times I will seek to show mercy to you. I realize that sex is a gift of God, and I will treat our sexual relationship with reverence and respect. I’m with you, come what may.
“I can’t wait to go on the journey of sexual discovery with you. But until that time when we are legally married, we will demonstrate our fear of God by maintaining a chaste lifestyle and not talking about sex in depth with each other.”
So many sexual problems would be nipped in the bud if we agreed on these simple things and discussed any pressing issues right then and there.
Maybe you’ve already fallen into bad sexual habits in marriage—just remember that you can start afresh today. These same principles will foster a fulfilling relationship whether you’ve been married four days or forty years.
Mrs. Happy has been married to one man for a long time.
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